The Beginning Always Has Promise...

            …It was just a typical Friday evening in Los Angeles. Well, typical for me at least. I’m not too sure how most folks spend the anxious hours between seven and eight pm, but I’d probably bet they don’t take my approach. I was perched on a rickety wooden stool, at the far end of the bar, in one of my favorite Hollywood haunts… the Kibitz Room.

The Kibitz Room is an odd sort of place. Tacked on to a Jewish delicatessen in a neighborhood that is half Hassidic, half hipster… the Kibitz is an unusual establishment to say the least. And the atmosphere and subsequent clientele is no different. During the daylight hours of operation, the Kibitz is akin to a beat saloon from some pulp Elmore Leonard western. Regular faces sluggishly roam in… more at home in the darkened confines of the bar than out under the sun. Members of the miserable service industry take their lunch breaks at the counter top, swigging down stiff drinks with the free tortilla chips on the side before returning to five star restaurants… places they could never afford to eat in. Not on their salary, at least. Then there are the geriatric singles, in cruising the place for the chance of some afternoon strange between whiskey sours and menthol cigarettes. Hell, even a few bartenders choose to make afternoon court in the Kibitz: they drink like the world is ending before they eyes as they exchange the horror stories from their respective centers of employment. From my time lingering in the Kibitz, I’ve come to understand how working in the service industry in Los Angeles is a fate far worse than being set upon by face-eating bath salt junkies and convicted sex offenders high on Spanish fly. Okay, I might exaggerate a bit… but not by much.

I sat hunched over at the bar, my elbows sticking to the highly lacquered counter, mindlessly stirring my Bacardi and coke as I watched the newest batch of race results of Santa Anita. The resident swarm of fruit flies patrolled the bar for lime garnishes left unattended; a whole suburban neighborhood of theirs was established beneath the Coors Light tap.

I’d like to get out to a racetrack soon, I thought. Every time I watched the ponies, I was pulled back into that nebulous haze known as nostalgia: summer afternoons spent at the Aqueduct in Queens, swilling overpriced cheap beer, baking in the oppressive August heat, and watching my friend lose race after race. In misguided indulgences into excess and impecuniously decadent depravity, we lived like animals and like kings. Guayaberas, straw fedoras, cigars, and shots of bourbon from smuggled flasks.

“Hey,” the bartender shouted; I snapped back to the dank reality around me. The bartender was a short, squat, aging Latino man with the most magnanimous moustache since Stalin. “Hey you! I told you no more!” He was prowling around the bar, shaking his fist at a ragged, broken down homeless man who was walking into the bar as if in a fugue state. A fractured, apathetic glare radiated from his gaze as he slowly yet meticulously placed one foot ahead of its companion. The bartender took another step towards him, grumbling loudly in Spanish. The drifter merely paused, surveyed the room with a sideways glance of his eyes, then turned and began shuffling back towards the door. Turning a corner, the only sign the vagrant left was the creaking of the heavy wooden door as it opened, the slow metallic moan as it closed, and the primal thud that concluded its sew-sawed journey.

“Puto pendejo,” I heard the bartender growl to himself as he resumed his post behind the countertop. It dawned on me that I was the only customer to take notice of the unexpected interloper: everyone else was stuck in their delirious realities.

In some bizarre, almost nefarious ritual, the bartender switched the decaying Magnavox televisions in the room to Jeopardy; every other patron in the room immediately sat upright, as if bombarded by an electrical current. The battered, veteran jukebox was cut off, interrupting Truckin’ by the Grateful Dead, and the TV volume went to max. This was the evening Jeopardy showdown in the Kibitz Room… where everyone is a contestant, and no one is a winner.

“What is the Spruce Goose,” I heard a familiar voice say. I turned to the right, facing the entryway, and caught sight of Louie. A former coworker turned constant misfit and partner in crime, my nonsensical French-Canadian friend Louie had been one of the few reliable sources of shenanigans in my west coast life. Yet how he came to be in the Kibitz just then… I had no idea.

“Ah shit,” I said, sitting upright and turning. “Here I was thinking I was gonna have a nice, peaceful evening and then I’m discovered by an insane, maple tree humping canuck.”

“Ferme la, you drunken New Hampshire dwarf.” Louie slapped me on the back and took a seat next to me.

“I don’t know who you’re calling dwarf, Lou. I’m taller than you.”

“Yeah, but I’m thin. You’re built like a human bomb shelter.”

“Thanks, you wretched, gangly fuck.” I raised my glass in salute, which Louie merely smirked at.

“Beefeater and tonic,” Louie called out as the bartender passed our way. He then clasped his hands and leaned forward, looking at the television. A few moments later, the bartender placed a highball glass, nearly overflowing, in front of Louie. “So,” he said after taking a sip of his drink, “where the hell have you been, mon frère?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t play coy, ami. You’ve been missing in action for the last few months. None of the regular crew has seen you around and you’ve been absent from the usual places.”

“Is that a fact?”

“Don’t be an asshole.”

“Alright,” I grunted; I picked up my drink and, in a more voracious effort than I expected, I finished it. “Maybe you’re right, Lou. I guess I have been lyin’ pretty low.”

“You don’t say,” Louie sarcastically spat. He took a gluttonous sip of his drink and slammed the glass down on the bar. “So then, mon ami. Where have you been?”

“I don’t know,” I replied with my trademark shrug. “I went away for a while over the holidays. I ended up spending almost a month back home, and I’m not sure why. I don’t even think you could understand, Lou. I just needed to get away… to reconnect with that primal identity I had when I was younger, full of promise and hope and innocence. I stayed because I needed to extradite myself from the chaos and miasma of this place and rediscover something pure… something true. I needed to find myself again.”

“Mon dieu,” Louie replied as he leaned back and surveyed my expression. After realizing I was sincere, the little Canadian finished his drink. “C’est vrai, no?”

“It’s true.”

“Why didn’t you say anything then my friend?”

“I don’t know,” I retorted. I raised my glass and shook it in the direction of the bartender, the universal drunkard sign for another; the bartender swooped by and grabbed my glass. “I think I just needed time to myself, buddy.”

“Je comprend, mon ami.” Louie smirked and shrugged. “After all, life is only what we make it, no?”

“I suppose you’re right, Louie.”

“Of course I am. You forget, mon ami… I’m always right.”

“That’s the biggest fallacy I’ve heard all week, and, living in LA… that is a gargantuan range to contend with.”

“Whatever,” Louie said dismissively. He flagged down the bartender, who replied with the stock ‘I’m busy but I see you and I’ll be right over’ nod of the noggin.

“How’d you know I was here,” I asked, realizing I hadn’t yet inquired.

“I didn’t,” he replied with a chuckle. “I was actually next door having some food with a few friends when, on my way to the restroom, I noticed your sorry excuse for a person sitting at the bar alone, I assume moping about the sad state of your existence.”

“Close… I was waiting for Jeopardy.”

“C’est merde!” The bartender arrived with Louie’s drink. “Two shots of Jameson, s’il vous plait.”

“You know we speak English in this country,” I teased. “Or Spanish, seeing as we live in LA.”

“Whatever. What are you doing tonight?”

“I’d planned on a quiet night in,” I said, cringing as the bartender poured two shots of Irish whiskey. “I have some social obligations tomorrow, and I figured I’d save my health for then.”

“When did you become such a pussy? You have told me all these stories about your life in New York, how you partied all the time. You have even called yourself Kid Chaos, you pretentious, self-aggrandizing bitch! And yet you have never shown this ability to handle the weird.”

“Hanging out with you has tapped my strength, Lou.”

The bartender placed the shots before us.

“To hell with that,” Louie countered. He picked up the shots and handed one to me. “I’ve got some things to do tonight, so you’re riding with me, no?”

“I don’t know Lou,” I tried to protest, placing the shot on the bar. “I’ve got shit to do tomorrow, plus I need to write tonight. I’ve been trying to fight my way out of a slump lately, and I shouldn’t miss my sessions.”

“C’est merde,” he barked, picking up my shot and handing it to me again.

“You’ve already said that.”

“Shut it. You’re a writer, no?”

“So I tell myself.”
            “Then writing will always be there,” Louie said defiantly. “You can always write, but you cannot always have experiences and live your life. You cannot exist exclusively on the page, mon frère. Life is for those actively participating. So stop lingering in social limbo and rejoin the world.” Louie tapped his shot glass against mine, then raised it… holding it up until I complied.

“Maybe you’re right,” I said after a moment’s contemplation. I clinked my shot glass against his and we downed the scorching golden liquid. After a few customary coughs and minor gags, my esophagus aflame with Irish firewater, I managed to look up. “Alright… what’s in store for the evening?”

“Have faith mon frère,” Louie replied with a deviant smile. “Have faith. Bartender! Two more shots, s’il vous plait!”...

Just Like That Tom Waits Song...

      It was 4:15am on an abandoned Sunday morning in Los Angeles when I found myself sitting alone, drinking a cup of coffee at Canter’s Deli. Outside in Fairfax Village, a deafening silence hung like a menacing spectre above the dust-swept streets. Neon signs flickered and hummed, permeating an electrical pulse in the noiseless night. The sunburned vagrants of the neighborhood had retired to their chosen sleeping spots: some huddled under tattered blankets while nestling the doorframe of a local business while others sought less traveled locations on the darkened side streets. A lime green taxi cab barrels north along Fairfax, the lights on the roof off and the meters running as it transported someone to unseen homes. A lone dog began barking, no doubt spooked by some nocturnal creature lurking nearby.

     I was sitting at the counter, facing the old school coffee percolator, reading my first copy of On the Road. The cover had long since gone missing and the spine had more cracks than a Detroit sidewalk; the pages, now yellowed by years in the sun, looked like peeling bark on a white birch tree. My head was propped up, supported by my left arm while my right lingered just within reach of my coffee mug. A plastic bag full of ice was resting atop my right hand, held in place by a crude rigging of rubber bands.

     Though I wasn’t alone in the famous delicatessen, it certainly felt like it. A quartet of young hipsters, most likely in from the Dime across the street, sat jabbering away over a communal plate of french fries. Their stylized accessories such as glasses frames without the lens, scarves, gloves, and buttons seemed to be the topic of conversation.

     Other than the neophytes, there were only individuals in this waking morning. Tired and embittered souls… lost in a bowl of soup and entrenched in their own despair.  And the skeleton crew in the restaurant, the few who managed to stay awake and on their feet, surveyed the patrons with an apathetic look of malcontent. Doldrums ran rampant in the heavy, longing night. Such is the way of early morning in the city of angels.

     A haggard waitress, entering her twilight years and straining to see through the bifocal half glasses on her nose, rounded the counter and approached me with a coffee pot.

     “Need a refill,” she asked monotonously. She held her offhand against her hip and gently rocked back and forth.

      “Please,” I replied, looking up from the book. In the moment that I made eye contact with this veteran waitress, I noticed a fatigue and weariness in myself. It showed in her return gaze… in the recognition of the same state of existence. She flashed me a subtle smile in a somewhat trite display of sympathy.

        “Rough night,” she asked, nodding towards my swollen hand.

        “You could say that,” I replied with a shrug. I shut my book, leaving my finger at the right page. “More like a rough weekend, though.”

        “They keep adding up as life goes on, hon. It’s always the ups and downs.”

        “It’s the name of the game, then?”

        “I wouldn’t call it a game, kid,” she retorted dryly. She topped off the coffee and went off without another word.

        Not a game, I mused to myself. I couldn’t help but smirk at the waitress’s remark. I marked my page with a bookmark and took a slow sip of coffee. And like a torrential flood ripping through the alleys of my mind, I started thinking about the last seventy-two hours. In a series of seemingly innocuous events that rapidly spiraled out of control, I was overwhelmed by disaster, hilarity, shenanigans, and nonsense. It takes days of madness to end up sitting alone drinking coffee at 4:30 in the morning, after all.

        Not a game, I though once again. I chuckled, opened my book, and began reading again.

       How wrong she was! It might be crazy, unpredictable, and mildly sado-masochistic… but this gonzo little life of mine is nothing but a game! Because only a game could be so odd. Just look at ‘Mousetrap’….

Fact or Fiction?

There are times I can’t help but wonder if I’m living out some nebulous melodrama, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the days of Danielle Steele. I mean really… there are so many aspects to my day to day that confuse, confound, and condemn me that it doesn’t seem possible. Sure, everyone has those nagging demons from the past dry-humping their sub consciousness. And yes, I’m well aware that most folks experience the licentiously oriented gorilla known as regret. But as far as I know… I don’t have influence over anyone else, so screw em! I’m stuck facing my own reality in some bizarre emotional introspective nightmare and with each passing moment I feel more and more like I’m a deranged antihero in my own little novella. That or I’m slowly becoming Biff Loman.

            The hardest part with a life like this is trying to stay sane while desperately working within the crazy. The further I go with this whole writing thing… the deeper I feel I am sinking into my own mild, presently humorous-eventually tragic insanity. There is, admittedly, a very large portion of my cognitive mind that wishes I weren’t as such. ‘Oh if only I could be of the detached mentality like such heretics as Sparks and Picoult,’ I lament during my hangover riddled Sunday mornings. But I can’t. Every word that I put to page is not some arbitrary phrase pulled from the ether for the sake of lyrical platitudes. No… I live and breathe in each word. I struggle to rein them in within my mind as I immerse myself in the minds of my characters. How can I write what I can’t see?

            This probably sounds absolutely trite and self-serving to everyone else. Well… tough shit! This is my itsy-bitsy digital soapbox and I’ll preach like Moses on the Mount if I so choose! Besides, I know I’m not alone in this philosophical approach to writing. Several of my friends, compatriots, contemporaries, or whatever else you call them all practice the art of living in the writing. And I don’t mean creating a fictional world for yourself. No… it’s quite the contrary. It’s using reality to weave the story: even fiction writing needs a level of authenticity and realism. Hell, even steam punk or high fantasy needs to be grounded in the familiar so that readers can relate and connect to the characters and the story. In completion of my little opinionated diatribe, all I can say is this: good creative writing blends reality and fiction seamlessly.

            So there you have it you Percocet addicted polka-junkies! I give you the sad yet undeniable truth and key into my very existence. And I’m not even charging you! Well, not yet at least. But we all pay the devil his dues, as the aphorism goes. It’s all a matter of trying to siphon the purest concentration of reality to roll into the joint known as fiction. God, what a mess…

Catching Up...

            My, haven’t the last few weeks been a bit… unpredictable? Such is the marathon mindfuck that is the holiday stretch from Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year’s Eve. Couple that with a ravaging illness, a complete change in my professional life, and the impending end of the world in nine days and, well… let’s just say things haven’t been quite going my way. But who am I to lament? Haven’t we all been there at one time or another? You know… those pits and gullies in life where you find yourself begging to be eviscerated by the gnarled death of zombies or to be set upon by a tribe of cruel, salaciously vicious pygmies JUST so you can avoid facing the waking light of dawn. Or maybe that’s just me: hell, when you’re bummed out and sauced enough who doesn’t concoct a litany of bizarre statements that sound better in the head than ever being said?

            I digress. The point is, to manipulate a Volkswagon slogan for my own devices, on the road of life… there are passengers and there are drivers, but my car seems to be lacking breaks and the driver is blind stinking drunk! Yup, things have gone askew. But, as my saintly patient mother reminded me: one door closes, another opens. So maybe me getting mugged and violated by that perverted goon known as the everyday is a Fourth of July fireworks display going off. Maybe it’s pounding me on the coconut, whispering: time for a change? Who knows… other than Papa Hemingway, that is?

            Throughout all of this, however, my biggest disappointment is with myself and my inability to stay honest and true to what I care so deeply for. To clarify for those of you just joining us, that would be writing. This experiment in meta-writing known as a blog, on my new book (despite being really happy with recent plot changes), even in the rambling gibberish that runs through my head and which I jot down in notebooks. I’ve been an absent husband to my metaphysical wife called writing and it’s absolutely infuriating. Despite setbacks, I always try to work. Okay, I’ll give myself a week off… seeing as I was convinced I was incubating the reincarnated Bubonic Plague. But other than that, shame on me.

            The encouraging part is that I wasn’t lacking the words themselves. No, this time around… I was lacking the time and willingness to sacrifice comfort and rest to get the words on the page. Or screen. Or whatever the hell you’re reading this damned thing on! Point is, in my earlier (and admittedly purple) days, I was unflinching in my willingness to suffer a literary crucifix so long as I did what I do.

            Maybe I’ve gotten soft. It could be getting older; it could be wielding more responsibility than someone with Peter Pan syndrome can handle; it could be the mirage of serenity in Shangri LA. Who can say for sure? Yet another one of those goddamn rhetorical questions! I think I’m starting to even piss myself off with those things! But it is a part of being a person in pursuit of a dream, constantly locked in doubt and confusion while wandering the desert of anonymity. In the end, really all you can do is just keep trudging, hoping to find that promised land of recognition and justification.

            Happily, I have but a few more days in this festering desert city that calls itself angelic. Then I’ll be going coast to coast, back to the rustic mysticism of my humble hometown roots. Couple that with bringing in the New Year back in my –creatively formative city of New York with some of my closest friends and compatriots… and I’ll have a plethora of shenanigans to base new short stories on! So tune back in soon for some of the old stuff. For now, I just felt the need to talk! But I’ll close with bit of prose I wrote thinking about my generation. Until next time, you goddamn aluminum-foil eating freaks!

                                                                        -s/j.@

Alanis Morissette said it

            best:

            “what it comes down to…

            is that no one’s really got it

                        figured out just yet.”

Such a better testament to

the youth today has never

            been stated.

The angst and sense of the

            unknown has grown into

something far more insidious.

It is a creature that lurks

            in the shadows behind our

eyelids; it is the loss of

            a POINT.

Those of us in our mid-twenties

no longer have anything

to look forward to; our lives

have become a mathematical

equation… devoid of the X-factor

            known as experience.

We are raised in elite,

            private kindergartens…

where playing with blocks is

            no longer

acceptable.

From the time we can

talk we receive instructions

                        on what to say;

by the time we can walk

            we are expected to be

varsity athletes.

When was it decided for

us that we had to be

            perfect?

Colleges have become four-year

vocational schools,

                        around merely to

gain us nothing more than gainful

            employment.

More and more, we’re encouraged

            to think

                        less and less.

In place of imagination, we

have been inundated by

            the Digital Holocaust:

from birth we’re plugged into

electronics… the manipulative

stimuli of the digital menace.

Books are obsolete,

            toys are distractions,

                        and crayons have been

deemed offensively ineffective.

There’s not one moment when

            the world is not a single

                        click away.

And those before wonder

            why

we’re so fucked up?

We never really figured

            shit out

because we were never really

            given the

                        chance.       

                               -3/31/11

Nonsensical Nostalgia, part 2

… Much to my amazement and surprise, the gentleman’s club known as Dames ‘n’ Games was exactly as described by Turk: one half sports bar, one half strip club. After having our IDs checked at the front door, we made our way through the cavernous interior, lit only by orange and violet neon lights. An elevated runway stage was in the middle of the room, with two highly polished brass poles jutting up towards the ceiling, and there were enough rolling comfy chairs around the stage to host two professional football teams; several black and white lithographs of provocatively posing, semi-nude women were posted around the main room.

            The second half of the club, however, was a stark counterpart. A long, onyx-polymer bar top ran the length of the room with corresponding stools perched before it. After the bar, there were three rows of countertops and seats, all facing towards the bar. Ten enormous flat screen televisions were hung around the bar, offering a view of sports from anywhere in the room. The only way you could tell you weren’t in a traditional sports bar was the DJ/MC calling the dancers up to the stage.

            As Turk and I walked towards the bar, we were surprised to find the stage area empty. Sure, it might have been early on a Saturday afternoon… but still. Once in the bar section, the scene became even weirder: there were about a dozen other patrons, split up into small groups of twos and threes, spread around the room. Each one of these packs were accompanied by a pair of dancers, scantily clad and beyond conversational. From the look of familiarity between patrons and professionals… most of these guys were regular customers.

            I lead the way to the bar with Turk in tow, his attention clearly elsewhere. The bartender, a short blonde-haired woman with an exasperated disposition, looked up at us, turning her attention away from a copy of Hemingway’s A Moveable Feast.

            “Afternoon fellas,” she said nonchalantly, her eyes seeming somewhat tired. “Welcome to Dames and Games. What can I get for you?”

            “I’ll take a Bud,” said Turk as he meticulously surveyed the room.

            “Could I get a Corona,” I said.

            “Bud and Corona,” the bartender parroted. “Just so you know, we actually have a special going on right now. It’s a burger and a small beer for $3.”

            “Damn,” I replied. “That’s not bad. In fact, I’ll take one of those.”

            “Alright. That’ll be out in a few minutes, and I’ll be right back with your beers.”

            “What do you mean right back,” Turk asked, actually looking at the bartender for the first time. “This is the bar, right?”

            “Yes, this is the main bar,” she retorted, “but our keg tap is at the smaller bar in the other room.”

            “That seems horribly inefficient,” I chimed.

            “Oh… I am well aware.” The bartender slung a dishtowel over her shoulder and rolled her eyes as she walked out from behind the bar. “You guys can take a seat… I’ll bring your beers right over.”

            “Thanks,” I tried to say but it fell on deaf ears as she walked away.

            “Cheerful gal,” Turk murmured as we found a seat at the end of the bar; I chose the spot in order to watch the Harvard game.

            “Can you blame her? This place is like an even more sordid Buffalo Wild Wings that reeks of brass polish and sweat. And that’s not even taking the clientele into account.”

            “It’s not that bad,” replied Turk. “However, I gotta say bro… I’m surprised you’re eating food at a strip club.”

            “Two points: first, I’m in the sports bar side. Second, it’s a burger… so it’s not that easy to completely fail. And I’m starving, damn it. I’m not used to just sitting around drinking all day anymore.”

            “That sucks, bro. Honestly, you seem like you don’t have as much fun anymore Strat.”

            “I have plenty of fun,” I countered. “But guess what… sitting around boozing can only do so much. These days I’d rather actually do something instead of just wasting time.”

            “Jesus Christ. When did you become such a prude?”

            “I’m at a strip club in the middle of the day waiting for a beer. How is that the behavior of a prude?”

            “Eh,” Turk grunted, turning his attention back to the strippers, “it’s still up in the air.”

           

            An hour later, I found myself sitting alone at the bar watching college football. The minute my food had arrived, Turk sprinted into the other room, taking a seat in front of the stage. He had started talking to a group of rowdy Texans who had sat nearby. Within a matter of minutes, he had joined their group… downing drinks faster than a brick sinks.

            Frustrated and, admittedly, annoyed, I had opened my notebook and was doing a bit of work when I noticed someone take a seat right next to me at the bar. I found this a bit perplexing as there were plenty of open spots available and yet this stranger had to crowd my space. I glowered at him from the corner of my eye for a moment before finishing my beer and going back to writing.

            “You believe this shit? Goddamn UCLA is screwin’ me over again!” The stranger nudged my arm then motioned up at one of the tv screens. I looked up, gunpowder and battery acid coursing through my veins, and surveyed him. He was a lean, gangly fellow with long, dark brown hair and a matching beard. He was wearing a pair of knock off Ray Bans, white Tommy Bahama shorts, and a lime green tank top; a pair of dilapidated flip-flops dangled off his feet. I was furious and was about to explode when the bartender came by.

            “Need another,” she asked, more cheerfully than earlier.

            “Sure,” I grumbled.

            “Corona, right?” I nodded affirmative. She then turned her attention to my intrusive neighbor. “Hey Patrick! What are you doing in today?”

            “What else do I have to do?”

“How are you, sweetie?”

            “You know me Lisa,” he replied with a lackluster shrug. “Everything’s always pretty groovy. Just livin’ life, you know?”

            “Honestly I’m not too sure. What are you drinking today?”

            “Just pour me a cold one,” he replied. “And throw this guy’s beer on my tab. I think I disturbed him and ought to make amends!”

            “Sure thing,” the bartender Lisa replied with a smile as she headed towards the poorly placed beer tap.

            “Thanks,” I apprehensively said. “But it’s not necessary.”

            “Hey man… I know I bumped your arm and I noticed the look I got for it. So this is my peace offering.”

            “You noticed that, huh?”

            “It was actually pretty hard to miss,” the guy replied with a chuckle. “But I dig it. I tend to bother folks involuntarily so I try to make up for it as much as I can.”

            “Honestly,” I said, leaning back in my chair and backing up at an angle, “it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I was just sort of in a rhythm with something so losing focus annoyed me. And frankly, I don’t even want to be here right now.”

            “Then how come you’re here?”

            “Because an old friend showed up abruptly and conned me into joining him.”

            “Hmmm,” the guy mused, pulling at his beard theatrically. “There are worse places a friend could take you, that’s for sure. But I guess you don’t seem the type to be at a strip club in the middle of the day. What with the writing in a notebook and all… plus your general isolation from everyone else.”

            “I guess so. But anyways, thanks for the beer but don’t worry about it.”

            “Come on, man… lighten up. It’s not gonna cost a thing.”

            “How’s that? Do you work here or something?”

            “Me work here,” the guy said with a chuckle, “no no. I just live across the street and this is the closest bar to me. Nah… I’m an actor.”

            “I see,” I replied coolly. “Anything major?”

            “Not really. I’m more like a specialty actor. I’m a Jesus impersonator for film.”

            “I beg your pardon?”

            “A Jesus impersonator,” he replied matter-of-factly. “You know, the dude from the Bible… did miracles and shit? Water to wine and what have you?”

            “Yeah, I’m familiar with him. I guess I’m just surprised: I didn’t think there’d be much work as a Jesus impersonator.”

            “Man you’ve got no idea,” the mock messiah replied with a smile. “Sometimes its simple gigs like church plays and whatnot. But most of my work comes from crazy fundamentalists doing bible movies. Christ you should see how crazy these people are! But they have shit loads of money and pay up the wazoo, so who am I to complain?”

            The bartender returned with the beers and planted them on the counter before us, the glasses frothing and dripping with condensation. She then grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and two shot glasses. She filled them and handed one to Patrick the Jesus Impersonator.

            “One for this guy too,” he said with an authoritative nod. The bartender Lisa complied, pouring out another shot and sliding it down to me. She raised her glass, clinked it against ours, and downed it before heading to the other end of the bar.

            “Cheers,” I said. I threw back the contents, feeling fire and kerosene sliding down my esophagus, flooding my stomach and diffusing into my bloodstream.

            “Hey man,” Patrick murmured after taking his shot. “Mind if I ask you something?”           

            “Why not?”

            “You said you were here with your buddy, right?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Well where is he? And how come you’re up here brooding instead of hangin’ with him?”

            “See that group by the stage,” I asked, pointed towards the other room. “He’s the guy in the Mets cap.”

            “The one doing the belly dance on the chair?”

            “Yup… that’s him.”

            “I take it the other folks ain’t with ya,” Patrick inquired.

            “Nope.”

            “Okay then. So back to my question: why are you over here?”

            “Honestly,” I said with a sigh, “we used to be friends years ago in New York. I moved out here and we lost touch. All day he’s talked about things happening back in the city which I have no frame of reference to. It’s like he’s telling me an inside joke when I’m not in on it. And I’ve also changed a lot: I’ve calmed down, whereas he seems like the same degenerate I knew in college. I think our friendship has dwindled to mere acquaintanceship at this point.”

            “Whoa… that’s a bummer, man.”

            “You can say that again.”

            “But what about your buddy? How does he feel?”           

            “He hasn’t changed a bit,” I said, glancing over my shoulder.

            “How can you be so sure,” asked Patrick. This drew my attention. “Maybe he’s just pullin’ the same old routine because he doesn’t know how to act. You’ve changed, but he probably has too. He’s probably just resorting to familiar behavior in an attempt to act like no time has passed and keep the friendship kicking.” Patrick picked up his beer and began chugging.

            “That’s a shockingly insightful bit of psychology,” I stammered, shocked by the statement. Patrick finished his beer without interruption, then slammed the glass on the bar and belched deeply.

            “Fuckin’ right, man. But unfortunately, it’s time for me to bail.”

            “More advice to distribute at another strip club,” I asked sarcastically.

            “Hell no,” he replied as he waved to the bartender. “That was my quota for the month. Nah… I’m heading home to smoke a blunt and watch Loony Toons. Lates, man.” And without a word, Patrick the Jesus Impersonator got up and sauntered off towards the exit. I was left speechless, dumbfounded by the interactions with the bizarre philosopher. The bartender approached and cleared his glass.

            “Did he forget to pay his tab,” I inquired tentatively.

            “Oh no, Patrick’s got an open-ended tab,” she replied. “I think the owner knows him or something, because no one else has that privilege. Plus he’ll most likely be back in later tonight with no memory of being here just now.” She shrugged and wandered off once again.

            “Where the hell am I,” I asked myself. I pondered the events of the past few hours for a moment, thinking about what Patrick had to say. After a moment of contemplation, I ordered two more beers and walked into the stage room. Turk was, much to my surprise, alone… the Texans nowhere to be seen.

            “What happened to your impromptu entourage,” I asked, taking a seat beside him and handing him one of the beers.
            “Oh they’re still here. Some of them are getting dances, the rest are probably out smoking. I tell ya, bro… those guys are nuts! Turns out they’re a bunch of professional rodeo clowns! You believe that shit?”

            “How does a group of Texan rodeo clowns end up at a sports bar strip club south of downtown Los Angeles?”

            “The mysteries of the universe, bro!” We both went silent as an iconic Def Leppard song began blasting from the speakers.

            “And now, fellas,” the MC announced from an unseen vantage point, “I’d like to welcome Olivia to the stage. Lovely Olivia to the stage. Guys, welcome Olivia to the stage!”

            A long-legged, voluptuous woman climbed aboard the walkway. Her raven black hair fell against her shoulders gracefully, delicately, and her coffee colored skin shimmered under the neon lights. Turk and I both froze in place, jaws agape. He looked at me after gaining composure and grinned.

            “Houston, we have lift off.”

            “Christ you’re messed up in the head, Turk.”

            “I’ll give you that one,” he chuckled dementedly, “but can you blame me? This woman is beyond gorgeous!”

            “Yeah… you’re right about that.”

            “And tell you what,” said Turk, throwing his arm around my shoulders in comradeship, “I’m buying you a dance, bro!”

            “Okay, what have you done with Turk,” I jokingly asked. “You bought breakfast, offering to pay for a lap dance? Clearly you’re a doppelganger who’s trying to execute some nefarious plan!”

            “I gotta say, Strat. Your illogical, delusional rants and conspiracy theories have been missed back east.”

            “Hopefully it won’t be too long before the prodigal son returns.”

            “We’ve all missed that, too.”

            “Missed what,” I inquired.

            “That inflated sense of importance and the absence of self-doubt, professionally at least.” Turk grinned, clearly trying to goad me into frustration. But that is a game I had long since learned to play.

            “Someone needs to come back and teach you filthy BK kids how to read.”

            “Whatever, bro.” By now, the dancer Olivia had descended from the stage and was making her way round when Turk did all but jump up and down to get her attention.

            “Hi guys,” she said, her voice mellifluous and lilting. “Welcome! My name is Olivia.”

            “Hey Olivia,” said Turk, taking her hand gently in his as if he were Don Juan. “I’m Turk, and this wretched lout here is Stratton.”

            “A pleasure,” I chirped, standing and nodding slightly. Hell, even strippers deserve chivalry!

            “A pleasure indeed,” she replied with a wink. Turning to Turk, she said, “I’m sorry Turk but I don’t see the whole wretched lout thing. Your friend seems like a proper gentleman.”

            “Ehh, that’s debatable,” I admitted. “But I try.”

            “That’s all you can do, right?”

            “Well, despite his cynical state of being,” Turk said, fishing for his wallet, “I’m buying my friend here a dance. Hopefully you can cheer him up.” He handed her two $20 bills.

            “That’s my specialty, sweetie,” replied Olivia with a wink. “Looks like you have a really nice friend here,” she said to me.

            “Looks can be deceiving,” I retorted. She smiled and took my hand, guiding me off to the nearest corner where, obscured behind a curtain, were three leather wall booths. I dropped down, tossing my notebook to my side and sighing loudly; Cherry Pie began playing.

            “Long week,” asked Olivia, her arms raised above her head and her hips gyrating like a merry-go-round.

            “I guess you could say that,” I mumbled, my head spinning in synchronicity with her pelvis. “More of a long, unexpected day.”

            “Well how bad can it possibly be,” she whispered, her full, pouting lips beside my ear, while straddling my leg.

            “Okay, not that much. Suffice it to say, I don’t know how to be friends again with a former buddy who I lost touch with.” She moved from my left leg to my right, her back now rubbing against me. “We’re both different now and it seems forced. Like we don’t get along anymore but still try to act like pals.”

            “You’re thinking about it too much,” Olivia replied nonchalantly, grinding her ass into my lap. “Of course you’ve changed: everybody does! Just stop trying to be anything. You were friends before, so you’ve got the groundwork. Now just catch up, exchange stories that neither of you will understand, and then go crazy and have fun. That way you’re not clinging to the past, because you’re causing trouble in the present!”

            “Mmmmmhmahmm… hmmmmrmrmmm,” I mumbled, mostly because my face was muffled by her breasts. Not that I was inclined to complain…

           

            “You know, I think that was really good advice,” I said to her as we walked back to the stage. Turk, now reunited with his Texan rodeo clown compatriots, was standing on his chair with a $5 bill between his teeth. A lithe, tattooed Asian woman in hot-rod red lace plucked it away and caressed his chin for a moment.

            “It’s my pleasure sweetie,” replied Olivia as she clung to my arm. It was almost a scene from a high school prom… save for her being ¾ naked and having dollar bills dangling from her G-string. “As I said, I’m all about cheering folks up!”

            “In that you were a roaring success,” I said with a grin.
            “Well, my shift is about to end, sweetie,” said Olivia. She leaned in, planted a friendly peck of a kiss on my cheek, and winked again. “Remember what I said: don’t over think it. Friends that last are hard to come by, and besides… he seems like a character.”

            “You can say that again” I replied, looking at my buddy with a mixture of amusement and constant shock. “Thanks again.”

            “Anytime, sweetie. Come back soon!” And just like that she strode off, her intoxicating legs slicing their way through the room. I stood there for a moment, a pubescent grin on my face, as I pondered the joys of the strip club: in my experience, they’ve always proven to be a combination of psychiatry, sexual frustration, and an entire culture of pure, unrepentant lunatic characters. Characters exactly like my wayward friend Turk. Despite their flaws and inadequacies and social deficiencies… they are the graceful animals that make life interesting. They are the people who jump first and then completely forget to even ask questions later… spontaneous bhikku-monks that they be. And that mindset, the unrestricted freedom and disregard for societal standards… isn’t that the life I’ve chased after for so long?

            “Hey Strat! Shake a leg!” I shook my head, trying to collect my thoughts. I then realized I’d been standing still for a few minutes, most likely a disconcerting sight to the rest of the establishment. I then looked towards the door: moving at the rear of a human herd, Turk was waving towards me. “The Texans got a party bus and we’re invited!”

            So that’s how it’s gonna go, I thought to myself. Then I realized something: maybe Olivia the stripper was right. Turk and I had been as thick as thieves in the past, and all that had really changed was the date on the calendar and my address. Screw being too mature for the idiot, I thought strongly. Time inevitably brings change, which can be a good thing. But just because we’re always moving forward… doesn’t mean we can’t look back now and then.

            “Wait up you degenerate fool,” I hollered, jogging after him and stepping out into the waking night…

Nonsensical Nostalgia, part 1

            “Well this certainly is a new one,” I said to myself.

            It was just after two on a Saturday afternoon and I found myself sitting in a plush armchair with wheels… in the darkened, neon confines of a sports themed strip club. To my right sat Turk, an old and sordid friend from my tawdry days in New York City. He was rotating his whiskey-filled rocks glass as he gazed up at a topless Aphrodite spun around a pole faster than a centrifuge. Another dancer, perfectly shaped and beyond breathless, was sitting next to Turk… caressing his forearm and engaging in trivial, scripted conversation.

            I took a sip from a beer and looked back down at my notebook. I knew that this day was going to be one worth remembering…

            It was just before 8am when I heard a pounding at my front door. Rolling out of bed, I put on my Boston Bruins pajamas and a Bruins zip up hoodie and then stumbled into the living room. The pounding on the door resumed, prompting me to grunt in frustration. My brain was still shut down and I struggled to operate the locks. I finally managed to get the door open.

“Surprise you son of a bitch,” Turk yelled, stepping forward and jabbing me in the gut. I doubled over, unprepared for my associate’s standard greeting. “Christ, bro… looks like you’ve gone soft living out here!”

            “Turk,” I said in shock, righting myself. “What the hell are you doin’ here?”

            “Visiting an old friend, idiot! You used to be smart: what happened… the Cali sun fry your brain?”

            “You’ll have to forgive me, but I tend to be sluggish when I first wake up.”

            “Ehh whatever,” Turk replied. “Well, are you gonna leave me standing here or you gonna invite me in?” Without waiting for an answer Turk walked passed me, made a quick survey of the place, then went straight to the kitchen. He re-emerged with a beer in hand.

            “Just like old times,” I said. “Glad to see you’re still comfortable enough to make yourself at home.”

            “Better believe it. Nice digs you got going on here.” Turk slumped down onto the couch and propped his feet up on the coffee table.

            “Thanks,” I said as I went to the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. “So, what are you doing in California, Turk?”
            “Here on business, bro.”

            “Business? Turk… last I heard you were still bartending. I fail to see how that brings you cross country.”

            “I’m not a bartender anymore you jackass,” he replied after a gluttonous gulp from his beer. “A couple of months after you left I got a job working at NBC. I’m now in production, bro. I have a meeting on Monday at the NBC offices in Burbank, but I figured I’d fly out a couple of days early and see what it’s like out here.”

            “And… how exactly did you get my address?”

            “I was talking to Cabbie a few days ago and he gave it to me. Planning on hanging out with him tomorrow.”

            “Great,” I said, barely masking my apprehension.

            “What’s crawled up your ass,” grunted Turk. He then chugged the remainder of his beer.

            “You mean aside from being woken up by a Bronx degenerate? Clearly I’m worried about the economic situation in Portugal.”

            “What?”

            “Never mind,” I said, shaking my head. “Are you looking for a place to stay, Turk?”

            “No you douche. I already told you, I’m not the same guy I used to be. I’ve got a room up at the Hotel Roosevelt. I even got my dream rental car.”

            “Oh Christ… you don’t mean…”

            “That’s right,” Turk interrupted with a deviant smile, “a white mustang convertible.”

            “Your obsession with Miami Vice never ceased to disturb, Turk.”

            “Whatever. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m freakin’ starving. How about we catch up over some breakfast? My treat?”

            “You’re offering to pay for a meal,” I gasped. “I’m in… let me get dressed.”

            Turk and I caught up over breakfast at the Griddle Café on Sunset. The crazed fiend friend of mine talked nonstop as always, recounting the anecdotes and exploits of the past two years. While he droned on about mutual friends and nocturnal misadventures, I couldn’t help but drift off into my own thoughts.

            How has it been two years since I left New York? Every day, I find myself consumed by memories of a place I once called home, a place full of animosity and camaraderie; a place of persecution and complete acceptance; a place of constant strife and endless inspiration; a place where one can feel completely alone and never without a friend simultaneously. It seems like yesterday that I moved into my first apartment in the West Village… an apartment that was home for almost five years. And yet, the longer I stay in the land of the lotus-eaters, that life seems more and more distant. It feels as if my days in New York were part of another lifetime: a raw, unrefined, exhilarating existence that was the defining period of my life.

            “Hey,” Turk barked, pounding the table, “are you listening?”

            “Not really,” I replied. I took a sip of coffee, trying to purge the evocative cobwebs of memory. “But that’s nothing new. I guess I haven’t changed much,” I said with a shrug.

            “That’s not what I hear,” Turk countered. “From everything I’ve heard from the other NY-LA folks, you’ve calmed down quite a bit. All professional these days.”

            “I guess I’ve lost my Peter Pan complex.”

            “What about writing? You still trying to be some great novelist or shit like that?”

            “In a way,” I reply while cradling my coffee cup. “I still write a lot, I still want to write for a career and hopefully for the rest of my life. The difference is I take it seriously these days. No more sitting at my typewriter all night, blasting Miles Davis, chugging whiskey, and frantically writing whatever came to mind. I’m much more organized and focused these days.”

            “Sucks bro,” Turk said abruptly. “I remember those nights. You could literally have a party goin’ on at your place and there you were… completely oblivious. It was mad funny.” He shoveled a forkful of egg into his gullet then looked up. “Frankly, that was the best part of your whole writing nonsense. How many times have I told you that books are a dead end? Nobody reads anymore, especially an actual book. Everything is digital and how many people do audio books?”

            “Aren’t you a ray of encouraging sunshine,” I retort, somewhat bitterly.

            “I’m trying to help, bro! You’re mad talented, sure. You just need to refocus your efforts.”

            “Nonetheless I’m not quite ready to throw in the towel.” I finished my coffee, wiped my face with a napkin, and leaned back. “Well, thanks for breakfast Turk. It was good catching up.”

            “Excuse me?” Turk dropped his fork loudly, giving me a less than amicable look. “What, you planning on dinin’ and dashing? That’s some fine how do you do! An old friend of yours is in town, takes you for breakfast, and you just bail?”

            “Turk… I haven’t heard a word from you in two years. Forgive me if I’m not ready to rock the town.”

            “That’ ain’t fair and you know it, Strat. You know how it is in New York: everything moves so damned fast. Once you’re outta the loop, it’s easy to fall between the cracks.”

            “How endearing,” I countered. “That’s not much more comforting to hear. I’d like to think after seven years hangin’ with the same group of people… I wouldn’t be forgotten so easily.”

            “Quit bein’ such a damned drama queen already, okay? You know that’s not what I mean. You of all people should appreciate what I mean: you were the goddamn embodiment of chaos with an excessively short-term memory.”

            “I’ll give you that one,” I concede, bobbing my head side to side. “Alright alright… I give up. I’ll show you around town: we’ll tear it up like the old days.”

            “Now that’s more like it!” Turk made a fist and pounded the table intently, drawing disdainful looks from a table of four next to us. “What are you looking at,” he growled at them; they quickly returned to their meals.

            “Before you start bustin’ skulls, why don’t you tell me what you wanna do? Do you wanna hit Venice Beach, walk around? We can drive around Beverly Hills and ridicule tourists and rich people. What do you say?”

            “To hell with the touristy shit, bro. And before we do anything, I need a damned cocktail! Someplace ritzy, with chicks in bikinis and shit. That’s what women do out here, right?”

            “I guess.” I checked my watch then thought for a moment. “It’s still a bit early, but I think I know where to head.”

            “Fuckin’ right,” chimed Turk. He paid the check and we started walking back to my apartment.

            We spent the next few hours drinking poolside at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Being yet another beautiful day in the self-accredited Shangri LA, it wasn’t long before Turk’s request was granted: droves of glamorous, nubile women in designer swimwear and more diamonds than a conflict mine flocked to the patio to soak up the sun. The serving staff of the hotel, wearing pristine white shorts and polo shirts, moved about the pool carrying champagne flutes, pitchers of artesian water, and $40 side salads. I couldn’t help but sneer at the blatant, unrepentant decadence.

            “This is some way to live,” Turk cheerfully grunted after finishing his cocktail. “I can see why you’ve stayed out here so long.”

            “It’s not that simple,” I replied, stirring my drink with a straw. “And trust me… this is not my type of stomping ground. I prefer things a bit more… plebeian.”

            “Yeah, you’ve always had that resentment towards the social elite.”

            “It’s not resentment. I know plenty of people that come from that world. They manage to be affluent and still down to earth and genuinely fun to be around. These people are mannequins, only good for being seen. And what’s worse, they love that attention. It’s their personal methamphetamine: keeps them up while slowly corroding their interior.”

            “Wow, that’s a bleak outlook,” said Turk while flagging down the bartender for another drink. “I guess you were right about not changing that much. I forgot how much I’ve missed your aggressive cynicism.”

            “I like to think of it as playfully vitriolic satire.”

            “Whatever.” He shook his head in frustration. “Look at this. The bartender sees I’ve been waiting, and yet he serves that fat old guy with the mullet wearing the lady sunglasses.”

            “I told you… out here God is in the dollar sign and flashiness draws attention. Plus you look like you just crawled out of the goddamn subway tunnels! If you’re workin’ at NBC, why don’t you get some clean clothes?”

            “Eat it, punk. Just ‘cause I’m a workin’ man doesn’t mean I have to look like a chump.”

            “Point taken,” I agreed. I looked back towards the pool once more: lying on a chaise lounge was a young woman, no older than 25, with amber skin and midnight black hair that cascaded down her slender shoulders. In an instant I was in love, drawn to Aphrodite as she leisured languorously. I’ve always found it so easy to be captivated in a moment, only to ramble on the next.

            “Screw this place,” Turk said loudly, backhanding my arm. “I’ve got our next destination.”

            “Why do I find that disconcerting,” I asked, my attention still drawn to the sunning beauty.

            “Because you’re an ass, that’s why.”

            “True. But my hesitation lingers: how do you have a place for us to go? From what I remember, you’ve never been to Los Angeles before.”

            “Don’t worry. Cabbie told me about this place.”

            “That’s not any more reassuring, Turk. You two always brought me to the strangest places in New York so I doubt this will be much different.”

            “Chill, bro,” Turk said, hopping off his barstool and grabbing my shoulder conspiratorially.  “You’ll like this place. It’s a sports bar, after all.”

            “A sports bar? I guess it can’t be that bad.”

            Nearly an hour after leaving the Beverly Hills Hotel and an insufferable amount of traffic, we were driving east on Washington Boulevard south of Downtown; my car was the only vehicle on the street.

            “What sort of shit are you getting us into Turk,” I hissed through gritted teeth, ready to kick him out of the car.

            “It’s coming up,” he said as he looked at his smart-phone, “I swear, we’re close.”

            “I’m gonan kill you.”

            “There it is! Turn left into that parking lot.” I complied bitterly, steering into a nearly abandoned parking lot beside a two-storied beige building. The only other car in the lot was a Landrover, so I pulled up behind it. A display sign advertised valet service… but I figured it wasn’t quite necessary.

            “Where in the name of God and the ’72 B’s have you brought us,” I said as we got out of the car. Across the lot there was a set of ornately carved wooden doors with velvet ropes on each side. A large, blood red marquee was perched above the door: Dames ‘n’ Games.

            “Here we are,” Turk announced nonchalantly as he walked towards the entrance.

            “You son of a bitch,” I grumbled as I jogged after him. “This isn’t a sports bar… it’s a damned strip club!”

            “Correction. It’s a sports bar that just happens to have strippers. Or the other way around, I guess. Now shut up and let’s enjoy ourselves, bro!” Like a conquering general returning from battle, he pushed open both doors and marched into the darkness beyond.

            “I really need to get new friends…”